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dependence upon external conditions, and NaNoWriMo
I'd always felt that people were silly to tie themselves so strongly to external conditions that they had no control over. For example I know of a guy who had become very rich and and well-to-do. When he lost almost all his money he shot himself in the head. He still had his wife and family, money, a home, a car, but he had so defined himself by money that he was overwhelmed by losing it. I've met many religious people who let themselves be defined by their religion. You sometimes hear them utter the stunningly absurd statement, "I wouldn't want to live in a world in which there was no god." It seems fairly common for people to let their appearance define them, particularly if they are attractive. When they lose their youth they feel their identity slipping away.
I'd thought I'd nicely avoided all this, but I was shocked recently to realise that I haven't. For me, money, status, fashion, appearance, belief, being part of any in-group... all these things matter very little to me. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I even felt a little smug about it. I considered myself safe from all manner of pitfalls that snared most people. I could never be bored because my mind provided all the amusement and company that I needed. I could never be disappointed by my lack of money or other arbitrary markers of prestige. What I enjoy more than anything else in the world is to learn. It almost doesn't matter what I'm learning either; I'm just as happy crouched, watching ants go about their business, as I am reading a book on electronic design, or writing a program to grow 3D plants in a virtual world.
Well, it turns out that I've unwittingly tied my well-being to an externality after all. I've noticed that my ability to learn is slowing. It is becoming quite a source of frustration to me. I know we all slow in our learning ability as we age; we are at our most mentally prehensile when very young, and as we pass through our twenties we start to change the type of receptors on the nerves in our brains that cause us to learn slower. It is really inescapable. However I thought I'd managed to establish a habit of learning that made me more capable of it. I guess I was wrong... or maybe I am still more able to learn than most, but I'm not interested in comparing myself with other people; I just want to be able to learn at something like the way I used to. Sadly I need to accept that I can't. And that is surprisingly difficult to do. It seems I've unwittingly tied myself to an externality that is beyond my control. Damn!
On a tangentially related topic. I think I'll be doing NaNoWriMo this year despite good sense telling me that it is a bad idea. I have many commitments that I will fail to complete if I indulge in NaNo (and probably won't complete the story either) and yet... I am hankering to write this next story. It is surprisingly like an itch.
I only have a limited lifetime left. This is true of us all. Most of my commitments could be completed by anybody with a basic level of knowledge. Writing this story could only really be done by me. It is not a world shattering story idea, but I like it, and only I would join things together in quite this way. I should also finish the painting I'm working on, as only I would do something quite like that too, though that can probably wait til December.
So... 3 more days to finish my other commitments as much as possible. [gulp] And then a descent into the madness and exhaustion of a month of NaNo. Perversely, I'm looking forward to it. :)
I'd thought I'd nicely avoided all this, but I was shocked recently to realise that I haven't. For me, money, status, fashion, appearance, belief, being part of any in-group... all these things matter very little to me. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I even felt a little smug about it. I considered myself safe from all manner of pitfalls that snared most people. I could never be bored because my mind provided all the amusement and company that I needed. I could never be disappointed by my lack of money or other arbitrary markers of prestige. What I enjoy more than anything else in the world is to learn. It almost doesn't matter what I'm learning either; I'm just as happy crouched, watching ants go about their business, as I am reading a book on electronic design, or writing a program to grow 3D plants in a virtual world.
Well, it turns out that I've unwittingly tied my well-being to an externality after all. I've noticed that my ability to learn is slowing. It is becoming quite a source of frustration to me. I know we all slow in our learning ability as we age; we are at our most mentally prehensile when very young, and as we pass through our twenties we start to change the type of receptors on the nerves in our brains that cause us to learn slower. It is really inescapable. However I thought I'd managed to establish a habit of learning that made me more capable of it. I guess I was wrong... or maybe I am still more able to learn than most, but I'm not interested in comparing myself with other people; I just want to be able to learn at something like the way I used to. Sadly I need to accept that I can't. And that is surprisingly difficult to do. It seems I've unwittingly tied myself to an externality that is beyond my control. Damn!
On a tangentially related topic. I think I'll be doing NaNoWriMo this year despite good sense telling me that it is a bad idea. I have many commitments that I will fail to complete if I indulge in NaNo (and probably won't complete the story either) and yet... I am hankering to write this next story. It is surprisingly like an itch.
I only have a limited lifetime left. This is true of us all. Most of my commitments could be completed by anybody with a basic level of knowledge. Writing this story could only really be done by me. It is not a world shattering story idea, but I like it, and only I would join things together in quite this way. I should also finish the painting I'm working on, as only I would do something quite like that too, though that can probably wait til December.
So... 3 more days to finish my other commitments as much as possible. [gulp] And then a descent into the madness and exhaustion of a month of NaNo. Perversely, I'm looking forward to it. :)