an exercise in frustration

[miriam_e]

I just got off the phone from my old girlfriend, Margaret, and felt almost like tearing my hair out. Often, talking to her is an exercise in extreme frustration. Don't get me wrong; I'll always love her. But Jeez! Trying to lift her point of view is a sysiphean task. No matter what is said or what happens she generally sees the bad side of it. It is rare for her to have an unqualified positive view of anything.

I like to consider myself the luckiest person in the world. This is not because I am luckier or better off than anyone else, and it isn't that bad things don't happen to me. I am lucky because I can see the positive side of the most unfortunate thing. I try to fill my viewpoint with the good aspects of the world. I'm fully conscious of the monstrous things around us all, and the dangers at large, and the traps laying in wait for the unwary, but I'm able to note these thing without letting them fill my view of the world. I try to help the good around me loom large so that it lifts my mind to maximum heights of happiness.

When Margaret concentrates on the gloom then it obscures her view of everything else. But I don't seem to be able to get this through to her.

When she moans about how little money she has, I point out that she gets far more than I do, and though I am below the poverty line in Australia I am filthy rich compared to 90% of the people in the world.

When she complains about the cost of maintaining her home, I remind her that I wish I owned a home like she does, but even my humble living space is paradise compared to most of the poor people on the planet.

When she is exasperated at the high cost of food, I point out that I manage fine on basically vegetables and a bit of bread and milk and eggs costing something like $30 per week, but that I eat like royalty compared to the 16 million people who die of starvation each year.

But all this just angers her. How can I get it through to her that she is actually an incredibly lucky person who makes herself miserable by looking at her world through a broken window?

Comments

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

"But I'll keep doing it, because one day I might be able to get through to her and then it will be worth it."

You believe that?
Has it not occurred to you that the attention you give her *because she chooses this perspective* is rewarding it?
It may be a change of habit but it could be more effective to give attention to any more positive attitudes or thoughts she displays and choose not to give attention to all the rest.
When we tell people "Nah uh, it's not like that" often they hold to the opposite position just cause they'd rather believe themselves to be "right" and aren't able to see the potential in considering they may be mistaken.

I'm not surprised the frustration doesn't stay with you long. That's a nice feature of your perspective. :)
I understand you care about her.

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

I'm careful not to reward her complaints, and this is one of the main reasons she gets frustrated with me -- I won't feed it. I turn her complaints around to show her the positive side of it all and well off she still is, which makes her angry at me, and in turn frustrates me. :)

What you say about people taking up the opposite stand out of pure contrariness is very true. I'm very aware that she emphatically rejects many of my suggestions simply because I've suggested them, and I'm still struggling with how to get around that. It is necessary that I make those suggestions because I know she is unlikely to think of them on her own, but my suggesting them means she deliberately won't consider them. [sigh] It puts me in an impossible position. I can't stand by and watch her go down the plug-hole (suicide is a genuine danger), but my attempts to help are rejected out of hand.

All that said though, I know that she does appreciate that I do my best to help and uplift her, and she's thanked me for it on occasion. I promised years ago that I would always help her in any way I could... and I will. I just have to wrack my brains to find a way to get good ideas past her perimeter defenses. :)

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

"I'm careful not to reward her complaints, and this is one of the main reasons she gets frustrated with me -- I won't feed it. I turn her complaints around to show her the positive side of it all and well off she still is, which makes her angry at me, and in turn frustrates me. :)"

I get that but it's still attention for complaining. And her getting angry is more drama, more "reason" for her to feel sorry for herself. For all your suggestions she can tell herself you just don't understand, that your unsympathetic blah blah blah. Best not to mess with it. Even glazing over can be better than paying attention to it.
If you only give her attention for behaivor that will lead to her happiness that can make a difference.
If you lean into the problem you can break it more, if you lean into the solutions you can lend them forward momentum. Does that make sense?

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

It does. Starting today I've begun carefully working on this. I'm experimenting with simply not commenting if she complains, and directly noting and complimenting her when she makes positive statements.

I told her that when she endlessly complains she sounds like another person we both know who never voices anything but complaints. He is a nice enough person but utterly draining to deal with. I told her that if she doesn't watch out she'll become like him. I think that made a bit of an impact.

I'll keep reinforcing this. Maybe she'll end up becoming once again the old friend that I knew years ago. That would be wonderful.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

Cool. :)
That would be wonderful.