an exercise in frustration

[miriam_e]

I just got off the phone from my old girlfriend, Margaret, and felt almost like tearing my hair out. Often, talking to her is an exercise in extreme frustration. Don't get me wrong; I'll always love her. But Jeez! Trying to lift her point of view is a sysiphean task. No matter what is said or what happens she generally sees the bad side of it. It is rare for her to have an unqualified positive view of anything.

I like to consider myself the luckiest person in the world. This is not because I am luckier or better off than anyone else, and it isn't that bad things don't happen to me. I am lucky because I can see the positive side of the most unfortunate thing. I try to fill my viewpoint with the good aspects of the world. I'm fully conscious of the monstrous things around us all, and the dangers at large, and the traps laying in wait for the unwary, but I'm able to note these thing without letting them fill my view of the world. I try to help the good around me loom large so that it lifts my mind to maximum heights of happiness.

When Margaret concentrates on the gloom then it obscures her view of everything else. But I don't seem to be able to get this through to her.

When she moans about how little money she has, I point out that she gets far more than I do, and though I am below the poverty line in Australia I am filthy rich compared to 90% of the people in the world.

When she complains about the cost of maintaining her home, I remind her that I wish I owned a home like she does, but even my humble living space is paradise compared to most of the poor people on the planet.

When she is exasperated at the high cost of food, I point out that I manage fine on basically vegetables and a bit of bread and milk and eggs costing something like $30 per week, but that I eat like royalty compared to the 16 million people who die of starvation each year.

But all this just angers her. How can I get it through to her that she is actually an incredibly lucky person who makes herself miserable by looking at her world through a broken window?

Comments

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

I just re-read what you said about your tactic with your friend and I thought about it some more. This sounds like something worth trying. Margaret won't know that I'll be making an empty threat in saying that I can't keep propping her up, but it just might undercut her constant stream of depressing twaddle about how bad her life is. She may be forced to talk about the positive aspects of her world. In short it may achieve more than all the gentle encouragement I've tried over the years.

Thanks for the pointer. I'm going to give it a shot. I just have to work out a way to say it that has the right impact.

[dorjejaguar.livejournal.com]

:)
You know I thought about that, what I was going to say for a long time. I worried.
I personally knew I couldn't keep doing it anymore and I *really* hoped saying so wasn't gonna mean the end of the friendship. In the end it just kinda came up, popped out of me.
There were tears, she was surprised.
See I regard this kind of behaivor as a sort of energy vampirism and I'm not down with being vampirized (even unconsciously). I *want* to help but getting sucked dry isn't helping anyone. It only feeds the hunger.
By not offering to prop her up I threw her back on her own resources. I certainly pointed out that she has them first. There was a bit there where even having acknowledged it, she slipped back in her ways complaining about problem problem problem. I showed her again. She noticed.
It's a deep habit. Other ones have to be created.

" It is necessary that I make those suggestions because I know she is unlikely to think of them on her own, but my suggesting them means she deliberately won't consider them. "

I don't believe it is necessary. As you say it doesn't work. And if you assume she can't think of them then really that puts you in the position of always always having to help her. Which you've promised you will do. Quite a promise that.
Sounds to me that to learn a different way she has to need to. Right now she's getting a lot of attention from playing helpless. Many people interpret being rescued as love or the closest they feel they can get to it. The attention really is potent food but it solves nothing. Essentially what's needed to truly help is one's own love. You can point her to that, that she has the means to be kind to herself.

In the case of my friend when she started doing her "woe is me" thing I was pretty quiet about it for a bit, not stepping in to fix it. I can't even remember what I said so much that started the conversation.
I do know I told her she has more resources than anyone to change her life and effect her happiness than anyone. We all do for ourselves. For ourselves we are primely located to make change. :)

Of course it may be the only change your friend needs is one of perspective. Doesn't sound like she actually needs a change of circumstance but it is helpful for anyone to know they have the resources to choose happiness.
Here's a good book on that subject actually: http://books.google.com/books?id=XWNwewQBikoC&dq=how+we+choose+to+be+happy&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=uigOS8rMHpHSsQPO_sDHDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CBsQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q&f=true

You can stop propping her up and still be of help. It takes real attention to what one is choosing to give attention to. If you run in to fix it then you'll be reinforcing the concept that that's needed.

It may be questions like "what are you excited about?" "have you plans to change that ?" may be helpful.
Yes though I think letting her know you don't wanta talk about the depressing stuff you've been talking about may be a big motivator.
People are rarely told they're having a depressing effect, or they're boring the pants off of someone. Vanity alone may motivate a person to change if they've been informed of that. And yes, there are ways to do that with lots of "I" statements. :)

I wish you all the luck in the world.
It's very kind of you to want to help.