an exercise in frustration

[miriam_e]

I just got off the phone from my old girlfriend, Margaret, and felt almost like tearing my hair out. Often, talking to her is an exercise in extreme frustration. Don't get me wrong; I'll always love her. But Jeez! Trying to lift her point of view is a sysiphean task. No matter what is said or what happens she generally sees the bad side of it. It is rare for her to have an unqualified positive view of anything.

I like to consider myself the luckiest person in the world. This is not because I am luckier or better off than anyone else, and it isn't that bad things don't happen to me. I am lucky because I can see the positive side of the most unfortunate thing. I try to fill my viewpoint with the good aspects of the world. I'm fully conscious of the monstrous things around us all, and the dangers at large, and the traps laying in wait for the unwary, but I'm able to note these thing without letting them fill my view of the world. I try to help the good around me loom large so that it lifts my mind to maximum heights of happiness.

When Margaret concentrates on the gloom then it obscures her view of everything else. But I don't seem to be able to get this through to her.

When she moans about how little money she has, I point out that she gets far more than I do, and though I am below the poverty line in Australia I am filthy rich compared to 90% of the people in the world.

When she complains about the cost of maintaining her home, I remind her that I wish I owned a home like she does, but even my humble living space is paradise compared to most of the poor people on the planet.

When she is exasperated at the high cost of food, I point out that I manage fine on basically vegetables and a bit of bread and milk and eggs costing something like $30 per week, but that I eat like royalty compared to the 16 million people who die of starvation each year.

But all this just angers her. How can I get it through to her that she is actually an incredibly lucky person who makes herself miserable by looking at her world through a broken window?

Comments

perhaps you should change your approach to the problem

[xxclovergrrlxx.livejournal.com]

it is very likely that her perspective is both cause and effect of suffering. true, by focusing on the negative she is causing herself to suffer more. but i think it can also be true that when we are unhappy, we tend to focus on the negative.

what is she really trying to say? what is she really upset with? where does the root of her suffering actually lie?
everything you mention revolves around money. does she come from a very affluent family in which she might be seen as "poor"? is her work unstable? is she living beyond her means and as a result, is in debt? another symptom of unhappiness is that people will try to fill that void with anything that seems to offer an answer. often, material possessions fall under this category and debt may ensue. those who have no concept of "what is enough" will almost always suffer. "i just need that 32" plasma screen, then my living room will be good enough for guests... i just need a new car, then i will feel secure... if i can just pay off my house, then i will feel happy..."
you view her earnings as "enough", but what if she never will? we have seen time and time again that extremely rich people will kill themselves or suffer deep depression. money will not buy you happiness if your perspective on life is skewed. a particular favorite saying of mine is, "joy at last! to know that there is no happiness in the world!" or in other words, once you stop thinking that happiness exists outside of you... that you need anything at all to make you happy... "everyone else is so happy, why can't i be happy all the time?" ....then you can actually be content where you are.

you are certainly right that you are lucky you have the perspective you do. :) true happiness, that is, to be content with your place in the world, can be very hard to come by and even harder to learn.

you obviously know her better than i do. but in my experience, these types of people tend to be truly unhappy. that is to say, it's not really about the electric bill.

Re: perhaps you should change your approach to the problem

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

Everything you have said here is right on the mark. Regarding your questions:
She comes from a well-off "working class" family. She also achieved a lot by working hard, though now she is on a pension, struggling to live within her income because she spends more than she can afford. She is unfortunately very into material possessions and superficial displays of affluence.

I want her to be happier and conserve what remains of her money because she will likely need it further down the track -- she places so much importance on money that it would destroy her not to have any at all. I keep trying to get her to increase her self-confidence by going out and meeting people, developing her interests, and doing things. Her greatest enemy has always boredom, and she is extremely easily bored. (It astounds me that people can be bored in this age!) Each time I try to encourage any of these things she reacts angrily, accusing me of pestering her, but I am truly not. I meekly suggest things, often in tangential ways. Sometimes I even plead with her. It has gotten so that asking about the weather evokes anger because that is interpreted as me suggesting that she go for a walk, even though she herself is the first to admit that she needs to exercise -- she has eaten herself into a dangerous weight problem and early stage diabetes.

I still don't know anymore how to handle that, but at least I've decided to try cutting short or ignoring the habitual complaining -- it just isn't healthy. I will encourage and try to enhance positive moves.

I have to admit I'm really scared for her.