an exercise in frustration

[miriam_e]

I just got off the phone from my old girlfriend, Margaret, and felt almost like tearing my hair out. Often, talking to her is an exercise in extreme frustration. Don't get me wrong; I'll always love her. But Jeez! Trying to lift her point of view is a sysiphean task. No matter what is said or what happens she generally sees the bad side of it. It is rare for her to have an unqualified positive view of anything.

I like to consider myself the luckiest person in the world. This is not because I am luckier or better off than anyone else, and it isn't that bad things don't happen to me. I am lucky because I can see the positive side of the most unfortunate thing. I try to fill my viewpoint with the good aspects of the world. I'm fully conscious of the monstrous things around us all, and the dangers at large, and the traps laying in wait for the unwary, but I'm able to note these thing without letting them fill my view of the world. I try to help the good around me loom large so that it lifts my mind to maximum heights of happiness.

When Margaret concentrates on the gloom then it obscures her view of everything else. But I don't seem to be able to get this through to her.

When she moans about how little money she has, I point out that she gets far more than I do, and though I am below the poverty line in Australia I am filthy rich compared to 90% of the people in the world.

When she complains about the cost of maintaining her home, I remind her that I wish I owned a home like she does, but even my humble living space is paradise compared to most of the poor people on the planet.

When she is exasperated at the high cost of food, I point out that I manage fine on basically vegetables and a bit of bread and milk and eggs costing something like $30 per week, but that I eat like royalty compared to the 16 million people who die of starvation each year.

But all this just angers her. How can I get it through to her that she is actually an incredibly lucky person who makes herself miserable by looking at her world through a broken window?

Comments

[futurelegend.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the reasons given may just be cover for a deeper unhappiness. Perhaps she is seeking acknowledgement of and compassion for her hurt, even if she doesn't know or cannot talk about what the real cause is?

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

She always has some people around her who sympathise with things that have gone wrong for her in the past (though that number seems to be decreasing). I have been one of those who has always been there to hear her. The thing is though, that we all have things that go wrong. There are plenty of things that I could complain about in my life, but to do so would magnify them and tend to crowd the good things out of my view. She is fond of magnifying not only her own problems, but focussing unduly on others' too. She has tried a number of times to go into what amount to rather cruel analyses of my life to tell me how I've fucked up or how other people around me have let me down, but has learned that I won't listen to those. I'm fully aware of the bad things in my life, but by preferring to concentrate on the positive aspects I am able to get a lot of pleasure out of the world around me. She steadfastly refuses to look at the good side, or do anything to enhance it (developing her interests, doing a little exercise, going out and meeting people and making friends, etc). Instead, this perverse gratification in dwelling on the problems in her life is ruining it all for her. The truly absurd thing is that she actually has a pretty good life -- or would have if she could just notice.

[futurelegend.livejournal.com]

to go into what amount to rather cruel analyses of my life to tell me how I've fucked up or how other people around me have let me down

Yes, that sort of thing is deeply hurtful and unacceptable.

Maybe she needs some practice at thinking about the bright side... What would you think of a bargaining arrangement in which you say that you're only going to listen to something negative from her, after she's said something positive that's happened to her or about the state of the world - and interrupt and refuse to listen unless these rules are adhered to?

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

That is a very good idea. I've been having difficulty with my new strategy of ignoring complaints and only responding to the good things, because she happily waffles on regardless of me swapping the topic back to more pleasant things. The beauty of your suggestion is I'm able to make it explicit, telling her exactly what I'm doing in a way that has clear rules. She is good with solid frameworks.

Well thought! It might just work! I'll give it a shot. Thank you.