Why do people need to deny others' validity?

[miriam_e]

I was talking to a lovely woman a while back. She was smart and gentle and utterly devoted to her dogs. I don't remember how the subject got onto parenting, but she was very firm that a family requires a father and a mother.

I pointed out that there are plenty of bad families that have the traditional family structure, but that many single parent families do really well, also that I've known some gay male couples and lesbian couples who've brought up kids brilliantly. I suggested that it is surely the quality of parenting that is important, and not the gender.

She was adamant that those are not families and can never do the job that a hetero couple can, so can never bring up a child properly. In the end, puzzled, I decided to let it lie as I could sense a dark, xenophobia under her inability to admit to what I've seen out here in the real world.

How sad. Why would an otherwise good person be so utterly closed-minded and dismissive of others like that?

Comments

[satyapriya.livejournal.com]

Gosh,you mean all the years I've put in as a single parent, being mum and dad, is for naught. Damn!

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

Yep. Sorry to break it to you, but you and your wonderful children are apparently not a family.

:D Absurd ain't it?

[slave-driver.livejournal.com]

I think two parents are usually better than one, but it doesn't matter if those parents are of the same sex or the opposite sex. I was raised in a single parent household (by my mother) and I think I turned out all right, but I'm sure my life would have been better if there would have been another parent present during my childhood, but that wasn't up to me, of course. There are even some idiots who think a child is better off in an orphanage than with a gay couple. I just can't understand that line of thinking. How can anyone be better off being a ward of the state than with two people who love and cherish him/her? The amount of stupidity in this world just amazes me at times.

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! I couldn't agree with you more!

There are plenty of examples of kids of gay couples having effectively 3 or 4 parents. I tried to explain this to her but she never was able to see past her blinkers.

Many decades ago the animal behaviorist Konrad Lorenz documented a gay male goose couple who raised a nest of goslings with the aid of a female goose who would push her way between them when they'd attempt to consummate their mating ritual. The nest of babies she gave birth to was raised by 3 parents -- 2 males and a female -- so received more care, protection, and attention than a "normal" goose family.

[slave-driver.livejournal.com]

I've also heard the stupid argument that if a kid is raised by gay parents they would force the kid into being gay too. What a bunch of bullshit, you can't force someone to be gay any more than you can force someone to be straight. If any thing, when kids get to the age of puberty they tend to start rebeling against their parents, so even if a gay parent tried to make a kid be gay, the kid would most likely rebel against it anyway. Like I said, some people are just too stupid.

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm sure there must be gay couples who raise gay kids (just as there are plenty of straight couples who raise gay kids), but I've never met one. All the kids of gay parents that I've met or heard of have been straight.

The teen rebellion thing is a very good point too.

[superchikka.livejournal.com]

I find that ususally these people are fueled by fear of their own ability to do what they wish to deny others. I have seen few people who exemplify "good parenting" who are so narrow-minded in their definition of what constitutes a good family. meanwhile, those who are afraid of losing control, or who can't have children or who have lost custody, or many more minor things, seem to want to restrict parenting to only those like themselves. If there is more criteria to be a good parent, albeit based on nothing to do with parenting skills, and they fir more of these arbitrary criteria, then I think that they feel more secure about themselves. If they're not the ones being excluded, then they must be superior, right?

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

Wow! Really great insight. I hadn't thought of it like that.

I have to say that the woman in question was divorced from a broken marriage so it is possible this could have been part of the motivation. Some others I've met who had this attitude have been really scary, bad parents and I have to say I've pitied their kids. I do know some pleasant, apparently tolerant people who are good parents and have this closed attitude too. In those cases I think it may just be a matter of simple answers that allow them to feel secure (as in the final part of your reply). And if other people are excluded by that then they naturally feel it's the gay or single parents' fault, not their own.

[idealistagain.livejournal.com]

What's really sad (and annoying) about this is that "traditional families", at least in the US actually make up a statistical minority of families. You might want to look this information up for Australia as well, just for future reference in encountering this kind of thing--it tends to render close minded people speechless for at least a moment or two until they can again figure out a way to explain reality away.

What most people seem to mean when they speak of "traditional" families is the families that were depicted on 50s television shows, which was never ever reality to begin with. If 50s television ever was an accurate reflection of reality, one has to wonder how there are any women now, since those shows only rarely seemed to show families who had girls.

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting revelation. Thanks.

I wonder if it holds for Australia... or for the most secular western societies (Sweden and Japan).

I'll see if I can pursue this.
(Though I should try and finish this virtual world today... that I'm supposed to be building right now, so I can get paid some income.)

[revbobbob.livejournal.com]

Why would an otherwise good person be so utterly closed-minded and dismissive of others like that?

Because she isn't a good person. She can play the part of one, but unless you are not only willing to accept people as capable of constant change and growth, but are nurturing to that change and growth, then you're no good at the business of being a human.

Why is she afraid of growth? Because she stopped growing herself.

[miriam-e.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll be charitable and say she has good parts and bad parts.
:)

Sometimes people like her make me quite sad. What is it that compells some people to simply dismiss entire categories of people like that? There is no attempt to understand, no attempt to connect.

How are we going to ever make it through this century in one piece with much of the planet's population feeling that way about the rest of the population? Especially with the madness of religion maintaining its spell over so many... [sigh]